


THE TRUTH ABOUT VIKTOR NIKIFOROV'S HAIR

by leoji_is_life (CynicalMistrust)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Other, Viktor's hair, crackfic, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 07:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10329716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CynicalMistrust/pseuds/leoji_is_life
Summary: Everyone wanted to know why Viktor cut his hair. Did he have a mid-career meltdown? Did he get tired of being feminine? The truth was much simpler. He realized he could sell his hair in one-inch locks and make a fuckton of money. Ebay, who knew right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I offer no apologies, but I place 100% of the blame on the Seungchuchu chat

Everyone wanted to know why Viktor cut his hair. Did he have a mid-career meltdown? Did he get tired of being feminine? The truth was much simpler. He realized he could sell his hair in one-inch locks and make a fuckton of money. Ebay, who knew right?

Little did he know that Yurio had been stalking him much like Yuri’s Angels stalked Yurio [they learned from the best] and was ready and waiting for the locks to go online. He somehow talked said Angel demon-women into funding his plan to buy Viktor’s hair (leading to them catching his scent to begin with - something he still regrets to this day. He really should have worn cologne).

He spam-clicked “buy now” on the hair, buying all but two. (One Yuuri Katsuki and one Guang-Hong Ji managed to buy one each despite his clickstorm).

When they arrived, he debated for days on how best to utilize them. Should he use them for a ritual to sap Viktor’s skating prowess or make him become his personal coach? Or maybe a locket enchanted to bring him some of Viktor’s good fortune.

No. He decided he would knit the hair into a sweater. (Knit was a generous phrase, it was mostly glue and duct tape). It was only after he donned said sweater he realized how itchy it was, and it smelled like some weird Satantic child of Herbal Essences and Head and Shoulders. Maybe with some Gucci styling products mixed in.

Once Viktor retired, Yurio painted "Bitch" on the front of the silvery sweater and wore it with bugeye sunglasses.

Viktor caught him in it one time, though his only response was “Eh, I’ve seen weirder in Yuuri’s room.” Yurio didn’t want to know what the hell that meant, but his imagination ignored his reservations, offering up ideas: A jar of Viktor’s toenail clippings, a butt plug in the shape on Viktor (he’d seen them while trying to find Viktor’s hair), or all his old underwear that disappeared from the locker room over the years (courtesy of Chris).

In retaliation for the need of brain-bleach, he made it into a costume for his free skate one year, titling the routine _YOU'RE RETIRED OLD MAN, THE TOP PODIUM IS MINE NOW, BITCH_.

Guang-Hong beat him by 20 points.

You see, unlike Yurio, Guang-Hong used _his_ lock of hair wisely, making a bracelet he infused with white magic with Leo’s and Phichit’s help.

It was a miracle they didn’t blow themselves up.

_Are you SURE it calls for gunpowder?_

_Trust me, my butterfly, would I ever put you in harm's way?_

_Well there was that time you said that alligator was your pet and didn't have teeth._

_HE WHAT?_

_You still have all your fingers!_

_NO THANKS TO YOU! YOU WERE TOO BUSY FILMING TO EVEN HELP ME!_

_Phichit, you are never going near Guang-Hong unsupervised again._

_Oh you're both so dramatic._

Afterwards, Yurio was so pissed off, he wrote a song to cope, and hopefully find a way to properly channel Viktor Nikiforov’s essence.

_Can you feel my heartbeat?_  
_Tired of feeling never close enough_  
_I close my eyes and tell myself_  
_That my sweater is really you_

_There'll be no more darkness_  
_When you believe your voodoo is unstoppable_  
_Where your gorgeous hair lies_  
_Knitted in a sweater, your skating prowess will be mine_

_Don't stop me now, the moment of truth_  
_I was born to take gold_  
_I’ll make it happen, I’ll use your stupid hair_  
_Yes, the center podium will be mine_

_Can you feel my heartbeat?_  
_I've got a feeling, your hair is kinda itchy_  
_I close my eyes and tell myself I’ll stab you with my knife-shoes_

_Don't stop me now, the moment of truth_  
_I was born to take gold_  
_I’ll make it happen, I’ll use your stupid hair_  
_Yes, the center podium will be mine_

Otabek saw him working on the lyrics one day and made the mistake of asking why he wanted to feel close to Viktor if he hated him so much.

Yurio responded by flipping a table at him.

Otabek was rushed to the hospital, and Yurio suffered survivor’s guilt - despite Otabek only suffering from a broken rib.

He realized the sweater would only bring him misfortune and misery, and used a ritual to burn it and dispel any lingering bad karma. He managed to burn the apartment down instead.

_PHICHIT I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE THAT MAGIC RITUAL TO HIM, FIFTEEN YEAR OLDS CAN’T USE GUNPOWDER!_

While they were going through the remains, Yuuri came across a silvery blob he recognized as Viktor’s hair. He glanced around and snuck it into his bag.

When Viktor found it later, tucked into the small corner Yuuri had dedicated as his “Viktor shrine” he only sighed and flopped on the bed. “Never thought I’d come into possession of my hair again after a decade...”

Yuuri tilted his head as he straddled Viktor’s hips. “Why’d you get rid of it anyway?”

Viktor raised an eyebrow, fingers inching under Yuuri’s shirt. “I wanted the money.”

“...So Yurio’s the one who funded your insane wealth?”

“Mmm, don’t tell him.” He paused as he reached a nipple. “I sent one of those to a Japan address...”

“I just remembered I had plans.” Yuuri hopped off the bed and dragged Yurio from his corner of sulking on his way out.  
  
And such was the fate of Viktor Nikoforov’s hair.


End file.
